OR may be not.........

all around windows but no doors to escape the honking reality. Right in front under the quotes, captioned, in bold and underlined.....so, let me eat, drink, smoke and sleep to wake up again to eat, drink, smoke and sleep again with no in betweens between me and me.....lights faded ideas blurred and i dont know who survived me or reality......

.......@@@@......

It was only a few years ago when while attending the criminal class i scribbled on the top front of my criminal book freedom for those who cant live without it. It was well taken by a friend and we gulped it together from bottom till neck. Today when i reread it i wanted to read in reverse freedom for those who can live with it. Now when it belongs its been relegated to the unaccustomed pages of life that are seldom turned upon. Some time its bartered for a spanking reality and others its there for free......and quite certainly this is how the rush of life is turning into the endless crowd of the world. The list of life may not be akin to others but the newly founded entries are simply the copied ones. May be this is what life does to you or may be this is what you allow to happen. It couldnt be both and its difficult to choose which one is actually happening. Or its the easy living easy pretending syndrome and i am not averse to the idea of running after beguiling idea of life............

stubborn desire....

It wasnt the insanity, wasnt the courage or glory.......it was a plain stubborn desire that refused to subside. So though unwarranted or undesired it carried itself and got ensconced and now when part of the system its licked the most. without much fuss and while still inside it controls the entire mush and melody of life moving it around a pity pit which should have been filled years before......

.......my fav.......

.....so when one is drenched in the ocean of adulthood holding the pleasantries of practicality, so when everyone around have taken the bath one wonders what is cleansed..every thing worth keeping was lost, in the numbness of life there is no heaviness no lightness, no right no wrong, no presence or absence. the heart beats and the fear reverberates. when the routine of morning and night still survives, one hates the absurdity of change of light & life. its then you arrive to be lost to laugh....

specific relief..........

It’s suicidal but my loyalty still clings to it…I move it it hurts, I don’t move it it still hurts…so the puzzle is to be solved even when there was never any…the confusion was all exaggerated and the paranoia…. no it was never there my infidelity never touched it even when I was leading the phantom of my imagination ….the burden was huge so now and then i dropped a bizarre smile, a mirthless scorn or a valiant laugh which invariantly spoiled my own integrity….the idea was, no one catches it and survives one generation from another holding my progeny right in front of everyone……..contempt spoiled me insidiously and behind my own back but what may it was relished the most…the idea of happiness was intriguing, appealing and fascinating it was a ride beyond all and every thing with clear blue sky meeting my own horizon …dark but still bright with a feather touch chill all around holding my own breath till eternity….. a child like amusement, a soft giggle and a contempt which was insidiously spoiling me……it was all there written behind my own understanding that i was happy…..but every time you sail you have to come back. Its like sitting in an air balloon watching the slow decent to anywhere…..what difference does it make… every time i come back I hold my breath and thrash my courage had it not been for the courage i would never board the balloon what fun is in being back….but then the ride of happiness has its own life even when it looks it can last eternity…..crippling insecurity grapples you that it could end now and here and then the sudden rush to hold the earth well below your feet to succumb to the idea of not loosing anything because its there that nothing exists…..so there is no loss…nothing…except the desire to hold the earth again…..desire to be happy again in a world that you have just left but then the moment has already passed by…..and still the idea of catching that moment in another time exists more so when you are willing to carry it till your own eternity…….

cheap chocolate

dont know how many of us can differentiate between a cheap chocolate and an expensive one by merely looking at it perhaps the difference does not lie in the looks there are other vulgarities as well for there is texture, colour, shine and several other what so what so nots that are so well hidden from half dumb people like me. one argument thats so often put is to why let the temptation melt while i am unjustly sharpening my skills and on the reverse i am too scared of entering the murky waters of making judgments more so when i do have a poor track record. Another way could be who likes to make judgments when you are already tempted beyond irreconcilable truth but then bitter taste hurts and i dont agree with the idea of carrying a bitter mouth with so little saliva to fiddle with ........

Preview

drop the city...

Until almost the very end i didnt realize that the magic was much hyped and faded...
recently visited this city of two names benaras..... While treading the streets i couldnt feel a single stir when in fact while waiting i could always feel the thunder beneath..... The city does not belong to me it seldom talked and i was ill at ease....long narrow curvaceous the streets were thin but i never missed a beat ....dont know what went wrong but surely it wasnt an anticipated reaction...may be the city never opened its arms for me or may be i wasnt willing to take the bait...whatever visiting her was an unsatisfying experience and somehow i deserved better..