specific relief..........

It’s suicidal but my loyalty still clings to it…I move it it hurts, I don’t move it it still hurts…so the puzzle is to be solved even when there was never any…the confusion was all exaggerated and the paranoia…. no it was never there my infidelity never touched it even when I was leading the phantom of my imagination ….the burden was huge so now and then i dropped a bizarre smile, a mirthless scorn or a valiant laugh which invariantly spoiled my own integrity….the idea was, no one catches it and survives one generation from another holding my progeny right in front of everyone……..contempt spoiled me insidiously and behind my own back but what may it was relished the most…the idea of happiness was intriguing, appealing and fascinating it was a ride beyond all and every thing with clear blue sky meeting my own horizon …dark but still bright with a feather touch chill all around holding my own breath till eternity….. a child like amusement, a soft giggle and a contempt which was insidiously spoiling me……it was all there written behind my own understanding that i was happy…..but every time you sail you have to come back. Its like sitting in an air balloon watching the slow decent to anywhere…..what difference does it make… every time i come back I hold my breath and thrash my courage had it not been for the courage i would never board the balloon what fun is in being back….but then the ride of happiness has its own life even when it looks it can last eternity…..crippling insecurity grapples you that it could end now and here and then the sudden rush to hold the earth well below your feet to succumb to the idea of not loosing anything because its there that nothing exists…..so there is no loss…nothing…except the desire to hold the earth again…..desire to be happy again in a world that you have just left but then the moment has already passed by…..and still the idea of catching that moment in another time exists more so when you are willing to carry it till your own eternity…….